Otter My Mind

~Goin' Otter My Mind~

Now don't get me wrong- I love animals. I remember once driving home late at night on the 24 near the Caldicott Tunnel, I saw a deer on the highway up ahead. I was doing 60 in my old VW bus, and the critter was standing in the highway's left lane, having been stopped by the cement barrier. Behind me came a Porsche, coming up fast. I started to swerve back and forth, hoping he'd take me for a 'Harvey Wallbanger', but no dice. The stupid East-Bay Republican zoomed around me at about 90, and the deer was massacred.

How I cried out on that highway! I carried him off the road, dying in my arms.

Yeesh, how that haunts me to this day. Even the sight of a croc grabbing an unsuspecting wildebeast on the animal planet channel is too much for me. But, with great melancholy must come great mirth! And so, I relate the following (and ongoing!) story:

Pictured in this photoare two of the State's best activists, Al Barrow (Los Osos) and Dr. Jan VanderSloot himself, Executive Director of the California Ocean Outfall Group. I took this now famous shot at the California Coastal Commission meeting in Santa Barbara at Fess Parker's (Daniel Boone) Doubletree Hotel. We lost Los Osos, Bolsa Chica and Dana Point Headlands all in one day, as I recall! But enough melancholy! Let's laugh.

The Call

R-r-r-r-i-i-in-n-n-n-gggg goes the phone, and I pick it up. Now, this is just last night, ok?

And it's Al Barrow, calling me from Los Osos, where he has apparently just found the dead body of a poor Southern Sea Otter. No telling how it died, but I suspect it's another case of Toxo Plasmosis from all the cat shit (31 Metric Tons annually!) that washes into Morro Bay National Estuary. Where did that figure come from? From Haydee DaBritz, who did the study for UC Davis, that's where!

Anyway, so Al asks me "what do I do?"

I said, "Get a snapshot with the Otter, and a point of reference."

So Al, as usual, turns what should be simple into a huge, unecessary production. No wonder it took 30 years to get anywhere in Los Osos!

"OK, let me tell you where it is. It's right near the dog-poop bag sign down such-and-such street, do you know where that is? Can you come right down? Do you know where the Merri-maker Bar is?"

"Huh?" says I...

"Do you know where that bar is? Well, it's not there", says he.

"Look Al, why don't you call Fish & Game? They need to see this creature. Is it another male in the prime of life? That could mean-"

"Do you want me to put it in a bag?" says Al..

"Just take a picture and be sure to get something in the background, so we know where it was".

"It's gonna wash out with the tide (by now, Al is starting to raise his voice as he is prone to flipping out on occassion)", "So, I'm going to take a picture and put it in a plastic bag and you can come pick it up" he says, and then he hangs up.

Shades of Sleepy Hollow

In one of Al's 9 more calls that night (last night), he relates that he was going to leave the Otter (which has no more head, BTW), near the sign with the doggy poop-bag holder-dispenser on it, but was accosted by an angry flock of Turkey Vultures, who apparently, up until very recently, had been dining on said Otter.

They had chased him off.

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-n-n-n-gggg!

"Hello?"

"Joey, it's Al. When can you come by?"

"Tomorrow", said I.

"OK, just come to my house. Do you know where that is?"

"Yes"

"Where?"

I was no longer enthusiastic about going to see the headless Otter of Los osos.

"OK, I said, where is it?, I asked"...

"My house is down on second street. Do you know my car?"

"Yes", I replied.

"Well, I have a new car."

"Al, why do I have to come to your house?" I asked.

"Because that's where the Otter is!" Al was now screaming.

"The dead Otter is in your house?" I asked-

"Of course not! said Al. What do you think, I'm an idiot"!

I was silent.

""It's in my CAR. On the front seat."

"In your car? The dead Otter with no head is in a plastic bag in your car?"

"Yes. Can you come for sure in the morning?"

"Yes. I have to go now".

c-l-i-c-k!

Devil on my shoulder

At this point, I couldn't help myself. Of course the Southern Sea Otter is an endangered species, but so am I, the way global warmings going. And I needed a laugh. I really couldn't believe Al had the Otter in his car. Baking in the sun. I mean, it just HAD to smell, right?

So I decided to stall.

Al called a few more times, all the way till 9:30PM, about borderline rude. We are old, ya know!

But each time, I would see it was his number, I'd laugh 'till I had it all out of me, and pick up the phone and say, "Thank you for calling. Your call is important to us so please; when you hear the tone, leave a brief, but detailed message...."

Meanwhile Al is yelling, "Joe!" "Joe!" "Are you there?"

"Pick up the phone!"

It was so hard to keep from cracking up. Sandra was in stiches.

Then, I go- 'BEEP! and hang up.

Now, it's the next evening and he just called to ask when I'd be able to get there. In all honesty folks, I called the Marine Mammal Center and Pacific Wildlife Care yesterday.

But that Otter is still in Al's car.

I'm wondering how long this can go on!

Poor critter. If I don't laugh, I'll cry, and there are so many things to cry about right now. Like that Bill of Rights I used to love so much!

So I'll have a chuckle. Thanks Al.

your pal,

joey xoxoxoxo

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